Theist or Atheist: Spare Me!

Just when I began to write this post, my mom whatsapped me a picture of Shiv and Parvati! What a timing! Did she know what I was up to or was it a coincidence? I don’t know.

Anyway, the title itself should tell you what I want to crib about. When my friends are tired of discussing this topic with me, excitedly enough I bring it here and want you to be a part of it.

Those who know me will quickly tell you that I’m an atheist.  Sometimes, I wonder how the hell they know my secret.  

But then, it’s only me who makes things so obvious that any fool will know.

One, I don’t refrain from non-vegan diet on particular days. Though I’m not very fond of it but I don’t keep a count of strictly-no-non-vegan days when I want to.

Two, I don’t go to a temple and offer milk to Shivlingam. I keep thinking why they waste so many litres of milk every Monday.

Three, I don’t refrain from eating grains and living on fruits on special days like Shivratri or Janmashtmi.

Four, I don’t understand how taking rounds around fire validates your association with a man or a woman.

And the worse is that people are too quick to form their opinions about me or anyone for that matter who is reluctant to conform.

The worst is yet to come. Every so-called theist around you considers it his or her prime responsibility to help you get on the right track and become a pious. And they actually deserve gold medals for investing their time and energies to make you do so-called accepted things.

So, do I declare that I’m an atheist? No.

Honestly, I don’t know what I’m!

And thanks to all my near and dear ones. They never let me become either a theist or atheist. Just when I begin to believe that I am a theist, something or other happens that compels me to rethink.

I’m sure all of you reading it must have gone through similar instances that I’m about to narrate.

I was born and brought up in an environment where following religion is only a woman’s prerogative. A man doesn’t have to do anything with whether kids are learning to pray or not. The reason is: he is too busy to earn money. How could I grow into a religious person then?

Being born to Hindu parent, I went to a Vedic school. I was told to refrain from idol worship and recite Vedic mantras. I memorized them by heart. During morning prayers when all students supposed to recite them, I would open my eyes only to see teachers whispering and chitchatting with each other. I wondered if these mantras were meant to torture only children.

I was happy when I joined a convent school. All our teachers would sing hymns and pray along with the students. But this happiness faded when I received an offer to study in one of the universities in UK (read United Kingdom and not Uttrakhand) if I converted my religion. Phew!!

Not only this made me feel insecure but also compelled me not to trust anyone. And how difficult it becomes to change in later stages of your life when you have had such experiences in your formative years, you can only imagine.

Behind every atheist, there is a so-called theist. Even if I try to be a theist, I wonder which category I fall in. Believing in one deity is not enough. If I’m a theist, I can’t afford to annoy any of the Gods and Goddesses. If I’m a believer, I have to believe in all willingly or unwillingly.

The truth is that I fail to arrive at a conclusion. I fail to discover if I’m a theist or an atheist. I’m a confused soul and I love being so. I don’t want this mystery to be solved.

I continue to follow my heart. I’m reluctant to conform. I’m not keen to follow any religion.

About 'Reluctant Conformist' Blog

Most of us constantly find ourselves pulled by two strings – one tightly clasped to the norms of society and the other loosely attached to our inner desires to be free-spirited. We feel we are limitless yet we remain confined to social norms.

There are those moments when we take a plunge, but in the end surrender, willingly or unwillingly, to the social pressures and sometimes we fight back as well.

This continuous swaying kills the limitless potential inside us, compelling us to submit quietly to social rigidity. And yet it is this tumultuous daily living that gives us food for thought, sometimes more than what we can handle. It enlightens us and makes us sick as well, fills our soul with pity!

Conforming to social rigidity is common place but not conforming is considered weird. But the weirdest is conforming but unwillingly and that is who I call as the reluctant conformist.

Reluctant conformists endlessly find themselves striking a balance between society’s expectations, however irrational and meaningless they seem and their inherent desire to open to all kinds of not-so acceptable or strictly-unacceptable experiences.

Being in this state is not always fun. And keeping quiet is also not an option. But I strongly believe that this pushing and pulling is a source of great richness. It’s the essence of our being. It supplies us the strength to sustain in our rigid society. It is also the essence of our emotional being, continually convincing us to push our boundaries and listen to our heart.

I too fall in this category. I too am a conformist, but a reluctant one. I also deal with nonstop head vs. heart fights. I also end up submitting against my will to social pressures. But when I follow my heart, I do unapologetically. I try to be in my heart rather than falling into social clutches. Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes I fail. And that’s the beauty of life.

This blog is about the daily struggles of reluctant conformists and those aspects of our lives that are beyond our understanding and yet they govern our lives. It aims to bring out and discuss those aspects of social norms that create a chaos in our lives and compel us to think.

‘Reluctant Conformist’ is dedicated to all those people who find themselves clutched in the social rigidity but at the same time want to follow their hearts. It’s a platform for all of us to share our struggles, or anything that is subject to chaos.