What I Wish for My One-Year Old Niece, Sana!

My sweet baby, love of my life, my dearest Sana,

Today you turned 1. A milestone in itself, as from now on your age will be counted or mentioned in years.

I know the entire family is busy making arrangements for your birthday celebrations. But miles away from you, missing all the fun, all I’m thinking is about you and for you. I know you’re too young to read this, but I’m sure one day you will read it and feel the way I’m feeling right now.

On this day the last year I was so overwhelmed with joy, when I first held you in my arms . I didn’t believe I was so lucky. I got what I wanted. In less than a moment, you became indispensable for me. And every time I look at you or think about you, I feel the same way.

You are, as your name ‘Sana’ describes you, here to shine dazzlingly, resplendently and carve your own path using your cool reserves of wisdom, faculties of observation and kindness and sensitivity.

Today on your birthday, I want to tell you that you’re a crazy child. You do anything and everything to seek attention. You dance; you make crazy noises. You shout; you cry; you play; and you want to eat everything that’s on others’ plates. But my girl, little do you know how much I enjoy being with you. You are such a special girl; I would have taken you from your parents, had it been possible.

My love, I’m sorry for not being able to be with you on your special day. But I know you’re such a happy girl that you barely mind anyone’s absence. While I may be far from you but all my thoughts are for you. On this special day – your birthday, I wish that

§  Life always remains like a fairytale for you. You dress up as beautifully as you have done today on your birthdays.

§  Click a picture when you break your tooth. Nothing less than a selfie is accepted. I know you can operate a cell phone.

§  You never become a part of competition or a rat race when your schooling starts. I wish you develop this understanding right in the beginning that learning is more important. Trust me, grades don’t matter. You may not make it to the best college. But then you can remain surrounded with the best people, no matter where you go. Live a stress-free childhood, unlike the rest of the kids.

§  You make friends with back-benchers. Trust me they are the ones who enjoy life the most.

§  You never have to compromise on your play-time. You have whole life to study and learn. But baby, you won’t find time for your favourite sports, once you’re grown up.

§  You always do what makes you happy and you are strong enough to never go on a guilt trip for not doing what ‘elders’ suggested you or considered right. Think independently.

§  You make good childhood friends. They are the ones who you are most comfortable with. But never take them for granted. It takes more than you can think to nurture relationships.

§  Develop individual relationships with your siblings, cousins or people around you. It’s no body’s business to tell you who to talk to and who not to be with.

§  Find a passion and give more than 100%. Remember your choice doesn’t need approval from anyone.

§  You never profess any religion just for the sake of it. It’s better to adore random beauty and senseless acts of love.

§  You always remain happy with the way you are. You don’t need to look like a so-called ‘diva’. Embrace your individuality. You’re a naturally beautiful and intelligent child. There is nothing that should stress or scare you.

§  You never regret your choices. Be with people who you want to be.

§  Cultivate tastes for finer things. They may not be branded clothes or latest gazettes. Remember you don’t have to possess what’s latest in the market for that. I leave it you what ‘fine’ means to you.

§  Don’t be a conformist or reluctant conformist. Be a non-conformist.  

Here is what I wish for you. You can cross the ones that you don’t like. I understand that you’re a non-conformist and like to do what you feel is right. And I love you because you are you.

Have a great day, my Princess. Bui loves you to the sky and then back.

Alienating Femininity: Psychological Tragedy with Modern Women

The world around us is a walking-talking museum, displaying as diverse collections as the number of people. This museum is entirely different from deadly-boring brick-and-mortar ones. And the best thing about this is that you actually get to deal with the craziest of characters that even Wikipedia is scared of mentioning.

I have been investigating a ‘special’ kind of species for a while now. This category is of women who have somehow assumed a persona that doesn’t come naturally to them. I don’t know what compels them to behave in such a manner. All I can say is that it’s a social and psychological tragedy.

Spill the beans, now. You must be thinking. 

Okay, so let me not keep you waiting anymore. It’s the woman-with-Y-Chromosome.

What?

Yes. The women who live in denial!

Not able to understand? Now I’m sure you had definitely bunked your science classes in school.

However, no worries! Let me explain this to you.

It’s the presence and absence of Y chromosome that determines the male and female sex. Presence of Y identifies with male sex and absence of it with female sex. (Refer to Wikipedia, should you require more details.)

But who exactly are the women with a Y-Chromosome? The question arises.  

Women-with-Y-Chromosome are those who couldn’t accept being born as females (with X chromosome) and try to behave like men in whatever they do. They are either ashamed of their femininity or are not very comfortable with it.

I’m sure each one of us, men included, has come across this special species of women. These are those women who miss no chance to emulate the traits of men. And not to forget they keep boasting they are as strong as men.

If not you, I have definitely come across such women. And let me also tell you that they have trampled their femininity into the ground, in an effort to be equal to men and exhibit masculine traits. They forget that they are women.

The Tragedy

Women-with-Y-Chromosome have somehow dominated the male’s role. They are too fascinated with what men do, the way they carry themselves and of course their masculine traits. Well, if this fascination results in some kind of association, it is absolutely natural. However, if it is other way around, they end up becoming artificial-men.

In a desperate attempt to being manlier than the men, unknowingly and unintentionally, they become a party to reinforcing the superiority of the masculine traits. It’s a social tragedy. And they lose confidence in their femininity. As a result, it becomes hard for them to fit in either of the two categories – men and women. It’s a psychological tragedy.

So, do I mean to say it is bad to display masculine traits? Is it wrong for women to stay strong? All she should do is make and raise children?

No.

As far as I think, both men are women are constructed of two energies – masculine and feminine. However, when women migrate more towards masculine side, they spoil innate delicateness of their womanliness. It’s okay to have fascination towards masculine traits. However, it’s more important to accept yourself as you are. There is no harm in being a woman and behave like one.

Remember the whole world revolves around womanly qualities. Here I’m, not talking about feminine behavior which is socially regulated and policed. I’m talking about traits like love, compassion, empathy, sensitivity, patience, tenderness and forgiveness.

Both men and women can exhibit these traits, but these are influenced by biological factors to a considerable extent. Love, tenderness and sensitivity come naturally to women. Femininity is a special gift to them, which in no way is a weaker trait. A Woman who emulates masculinity will never truly be a man. She would be a hybrid kind who is neither a man nor a woman.

So, there is a need to understand that men and women are tuned differently. There is a natural difference between them. Womanly traits carry a fundamental value that’s more than necessary for sustenance of the society we live in.

So, shed this notion that you are being born with Y-chromosome and accept yourself unapologetically. We are neither superior, not inferior. We are women.

Stepping into 30’s and Still Unmarried! Selfish and Horrid Career Witches

Well, I’ve certainly made my blog a cribbing platform. I can use it even at midnight to pour out my frustration and share with hundreds of people out there.

Admitting that I’m moving towards this particular age bracket while still unmarried, I want to believe that I’m not to be blamed for my ‘single’ status.

Well, before moving on, let me clarify that by ‘single’ I mean a woman who has never took wedding vows or signed a contract with any man (or another woman) in front of hundreds of people or law. The category doesn’t include those who have divorced their husbands for xyz reasons.

Of course, I haven’t set these standards. I think that’s what ‘being single’ means socially. It means a person who has never been married. (Correct me, if I’m wrong.)

The question of marriage keeps haunting me for hours almost every day. I live with this naked sword always hanging over my head ready to tear me apart, as if I carry the virus for a deadly disease and killing me is the only way out to safeguard the society. And I face all this because I’m reluctant to conform.

My whole existence has stuck around between feeling guilty of bringing restless nights to my parents and explaining to people that I am not fascinated to battle face-to-face with society’s strongest and most important institution. It’s just that I want to be the way I want.

I’m sure all single women out there can easily relate to what I’m saying. In fact, turning 30 and being single is one of the biggest challenges. We are considered, selfish and horrid career witches who are either greedy to make tonnes of money or are already enjoying too much attention of male colleagues.

I’ve been spending some time lately pondering seriously on this topic. And I think that I suffer this fate because I’m neither a martyr nor Madonna.

Previously, a woman was either expected to play a martyr or Madonna. But a modern woman is expected to play both the roles at the same time. And in a desperate search for approval from everyone, she dons a superwoman mask, which does nothing but sabotages her vital self.

Who is to be blamed?

Women like me, because we want to live our lives our way?

Or our parents who spend a big chunk of their hard earned money on getting  us the best possible education, so that we could become independent (only financially independent) individuals but behave like a martyr whenever the time comes (Here I'm referring to getting married just because they want their daughters to).

Or the men who want superwomen, who can earn money, take care of their husbands’ families, produce and raise children and support them when their lives go off track single handedly?

It’s a hard fact but more than anyone, I think, parents are responsible for such a situation. They want us to be well educated and independent, and at the same time expecting us to do socially-acceptable things without thinking too much. Because good girls do what they are told to!

What an irony – they raise Madonnas expecting them to play martyrs!

And when men see this happening in their own households, how do you expect a change in their behavior? Why shouldn’t they enjoy a superior status?

The tradition continues. A majority of population believes in doing what they have seen happening in their own houses.

And who raises them? Women, of course!

The plight of a modern woman is no one else but the other than women who believe that:

§  A pious woman is obedient. (They are the ones who compel us to adhere to social norms, no matter how senseless they are.)

§  Her main job is to enter a ready-made set-up and fix someone else’s life (husband’s).

§  A woman is complete only when she produces children.

By saying this, do I mean that women should be rebels or shouldn’t get married or begin a family?

No.

It’s all about personal choices. It only means – let women choose the way they want to be. Those who want to get married let them. And those who don’t want to, don’t make their lives hell.

Let them decide for themselves.

Theist or Atheist: Spare Me!

Just when I began to write this post, my mom whatsapped me a picture of Shiv and Parvati! What a timing! Did she know what I was up to or was it a coincidence? I don’t know.

Anyway, the title itself should tell you what I want to crib about. When my friends are tired of discussing this topic with me, excitedly enough I bring it here and want you to be a part of it.

Those who know me will quickly tell you that I’m an atheist.  Sometimes, I wonder how the hell they know my secret.  

But then, it’s only me who makes things so obvious that any fool will know.

One, I don’t refrain from non-vegan diet on particular days. Though I’m not very fond of it but I don’t keep a count of strictly-no-non-vegan days when I want to.

Two, I don’t go to a temple and offer milk to Shivlingam. I keep thinking why they waste so many litres of milk every Monday.

Three, I don’t refrain from eating grains and living on fruits on special days like Shivratri or Janmashtmi.

Four, I don’t understand how taking rounds around fire validates your association with a man or a woman.

And the worse is that people are too quick to form their opinions about me or anyone for that matter who is reluctant to conform.

The worst is yet to come. Every so-called theist around you considers it his or her prime responsibility to help you get on the right track and become a pious. And they actually deserve gold medals for investing their time and energies to make you do so-called accepted things.

So, do I declare that I’m an atheist? No.

Honestly, I don’t know what I’m!

And thanks to all my near and dear ones. They never let me become either a theist or atheist. Just when I begin to believe that I am a theist, something or other happens that compels me to rethink.

I’m sure all of you reading it must have gone through similar instances that I’m about to narrate.

I was born and brought up in an environment where following religion is only a woman’s prerogative. A man doesn’t have to do anything with whether kids are learning to pray or not. The reason is: he is too busy to earn money. How could I grow into a religious person then?

Being born to Hindu parent, I went to a Vedic school. I was told to refrain from idol worship and recite Vedic mantras. I memorized them by heart. During morning prayers when all students supposed to recite them, I would open my eyes only to see teachers whispering and chitchatting with each other. I wondered if these mantras were meant to torture only children.

I was happy when I joined a convent school. All our teachers would sing hymns and pray along with the students. But this happiness faded when I received an offer to study in one of the universities in UK (read United Kingdom and not Uttrakhand) if I converted my religion. Phew!!

Not only this made me feel insecure but also compelled me not to trust anyone. And how difficult it becomes to change in later stages of your life when you have had such experiences in your formative years, you can only imagine.

Behind every atheist, there is a so-called theist. Even if I try to be a theist, I wonder which category I fall in. Believing in one deity is not enough. If I’m a theist, I can’t afford to annoy any of the Gods and Goddesses. If I’m a believer, I have to believe in all willingly or unwillingly.

The truth is that I fail to arrive at a conclusion. I fail to discover if I’m a theist or an atheist. I’m a confused soul and I love being so. I don’t want this mystery to be solved.

I continue to follow my heart. I’m reluctant to conform. I’m not keen to follow any religion.

About 'Reluctant Conformist' Blog

Most of us constantly find ourselves pulled by two strings – one tightly clasped to the norms of society and the other loosely attached to our inner desires to be free-spirited. We feel we are limitless yet we remain confined to social norms.

There are those moments when we take a plunge, but in the end surrender, willingly or unwillingly, to the social pressures and sometimes we fight back as well.

This continuous swaying kills the limitless potential inside us, compelling us to submit quietly to social rigidity. And yet it is this tumultuous daily living that gives us food for thought, sometimes more than what we can handle. It enlightens us and makes us sick as well, fills our soul with pity!

Conforming to social rigidity is common place but not conforming is considered weird. But the weirdest is conforming but unwillingly and that is who I call as the reluctant conformist.

Reluctant conformists endlessly find themselves striking a balance between society’s expectations, however irrational and meaningless they seem and their inherent desire to open to all kinds of not-so acceptable or strictly-unacceptable experiences.

Being in this state is not always fun. And keeping quiet is also not an option. But I strongly believe that this pushing and pulling is a source of great richness. It’s the essence of our being. It supplies us the strength to sustain in our rigid society. It is also the essence of our emotional being, continually convincing us to push our boundaries and listen to our heart.

I too fall in this category. I too am a conformist, but a reluctant one. I also deal with nonstop head vs. heart fights. I also end up submitting against my will to social pressures. But when I follow my heart, I do unapologetically. I try to be in my heart rather than falling into social clutches. Sometimes, I succeed and sometimes I fail. And that’s the beauty of life.

This blog is about the daily struggles of reluctant conformists and those aspects of our lives that are beyond our understanding and yet they govern our lives. It aims to bring out and discuss those aspects of social norms that create a chaos in our lives and compel us to think.

‘Reluctant Conformist’ is dedicated to all those people who find themselves clutched in the social rigidity but at the same time want to follow their hearts. It’s a platform for all of us to share our struggles, or anything that is subject to chaos.