Theist or Atheist: Spare Me!

Just when I began to write this post, my mom whatsapped me a picture of Shiv and Parvati! What a timing! Did she know what I was up to or was it a coincidence? I don’t know.

Anyway, the title itself should tell you what I want to crib about. When my friends are tired of discussing this topic with me, excitedly enough I bring it here and want you to be a part of it.

Those who know me will quickly tell you that I’m an atheist.  Sometimes, I wonder how the hell they know my secret.  

But then, it’s only me who makes things so obvious that any fool will know.

One, I don’t refrain from non-vegan diet on particular days. Though I’m not very fond of it but I don’t keep a count of strictly-no-non-vegan days when I want to.

Two, I don’t go to a temple and offer milk to Shivlingam. I keep thinking why they waste so many litres of milk every Monday.

Three, I don’t refrain from eating grains and living on fruits on special days like Shivratri or Janmashtmi.

Four, I don’t understand how taking rounds around fire validates your association with a man or a woman.

And the worse is that people are too quick to form their opinions about me or anyone for that matter who is reluctant to conform.

The worst is yet to come. Every so-called theist around you considers it his or her prime responsibility to help you get on the right track and become a pious. And they actually deserve gold medals for investing their time and energies to make you do so-called accepted things.

So, do I declare that I’m an atheist? No.

Honestly, I don’t know what I’m!

And thanks to all my near and dear ones. They never let me become either a theist or atheist. Just when I begin to believe that I am a theist, something or other happens that compels me to rethink.

I’m sure all of you reading it must have gone through similar instances that I’m about to narrate.

I was born and brought up in an environment where following religion is only a woman’s prerogative. A man doesn’t have to do anything with whether kids are learning to pray or not. The reason is: he is too busy to earn money. How could I grow into a religious person then?

Being born to Hindu parent, I went to a Vedic school. I was told to refrain from idol worship and recite Vedic mantras. I memorized them by heart. During morning prayers when all students supposed to recite them, I would open my eyes only to see teachers whispering and chitchatting with each other. I wondered if these mantras were meant to torture only children.

I was happy when I joined a convent school. All our teachers would sing hymns and pray along with the students. But this happiness faded when I received an offer to study in one of the universities in UK (read United Kingdom and not Uttrakhand) if I converted my religion. Phew!!

Not only this made me feel insecure but also compelled me not to trust anyone. And how difficult it becomes to change in later stages of your life when you have had such experiences in your formative years, you can only imagine.

Behind every atheist, there is a so-called theist. Even if I try to be a theist, I wonder which category I fall in. Believing in one deity is not enough. If I’m a theist, I can’t afford to annoy any of the Gods and Goddesses. If I’m a believer, I have to believe in all willingly or unwillingly.

The truth is that I fail to arrive at a conclusion. I fail to discover if I’m a theist or an atheist. I’m a confused soul and I love being so. I don’t want this mystery to be solved.

I continue to follow my heart. I’m reluctant to conform. I’m not keen to follow any religion.